Why?

Why isn't anything I do ever good enough?

Okay, so my mom was mad at me because I didn't want to submit a second piece to some audition I was doing. The only reason I didn't want to submit this piece is because it's been at least six months, but definitely more, since I've actually played it. Submitting two music pieces was optional (though "recommended"), and I had already submitted one really awesome piece that I have down cold. I didn't want to ruin the good impression I gave the judges by submitting a second, not nearly as put together piece. But things came to a head with my family and my parents told me that they were making me submit this piece. Fine, whatever. I get that, it's cool. The deadline is the 31st. So I practice this piece last week for an audition I had on Saturday or Sunday (I forget which day). And then I practice it for three hours between Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I had my NYU thing and I was staying at my aunt's house, so I wasn't home. I just got home Thursday night around 7. What's the first thing I do when I get home? Grab my bass clarinet and go record this thing. As soon as I'm done recording it I send it off to my mom. I got this thing done and to her inbox by 8:30, plenty of time to figure out how to add it to the application I already sent. Then my mom has some trouble uploading it or something, and suddenly she's cursing ME for waiting until the last minute to do this. I mean yes, I know. Today, the day I recorded, was the 31st. Could I have recorded on Tuesday? Probably. But I was practicing it on Tuesday, I didn't want to send in a crappy sounding piece. So suddenly I'm a horrible, awful person and this is all my fault and maybe "I just won't send it in, it's not like she prepared for it anyway". I understand when my parents get mad at me for not practicing at all. Blah, blah, blah I'm Jamie and I'm going to be a professional musician when I grow up.. Yeah, so I need to practice. But criticizing me on my practicing, and telling me I didn't try hard enough.. I just.. No. That can't happen. Why would I ever want to practice? Why would I want to practice if I finally get around to it and all I'm going to do is get yelled at for not practicing enough? Which isn't even true, I practiced for hours. And like I said, between Monday and Tuesday I practiced this song for three hours. Plus some scales and other songs I'm working on.. But even if I didn't practice for hours, even if I only practiced for a half hour, isn't that still better than nothing? It's not expected of most people to go from zero to sixty in three seconds, we're not cars. It'd make things a lot easier on me if my baby steps weren't criticized.

What if you were trying to lose weight? You're trying to lose weight, and after a month you lose five pounds. "Only five pounds? Ha!" scoff your friends. Would you really want to keep dieting after that? Would you really want to keep trying? No. What's the point of trying if what little effort you make is just going to be criticized?

Practicing is a little bit different. It's not physically possible for me to sit down and practice for three hours right now. It's not even possible for me to practice for three hours in small chunks through out the day. You can only run so much, you can only do so many push-ups, you can only practice so much. Right now I can make an hour comfortably, even an hour and a half. If I really push myself I can do two hours, but then I'm pretty much shot for the next day or two. At least the next day.

So that's just me. It really makes me sad. It makes me sad that I try and all I do is get shit for even trying. At least when I get shit for not trying I don't waste any of my effort. If I'm just going to get in trouble anyway, what's the point?

ANGSTY TEENAGE ANGST WAH CRY BOOHOO. Nah man, it's fine. It's cool. But I wish people would understand. It sucks when you put effort into something and no one appreciates it.

The lesson to learn is this: If you can tell that someone's trying, even if you don't think they're trying as hard as they could or should or they're not making enough progress for you or WHATEVER, you should still encourage them. Or at the very least don't discourage them. Then you're just going to push them back to square one =P